It takes brave and caring parents to question conventional norms rather than merely accept them; to listen to our children rather than persuade them to follow established traditions.

Erica’s speech is too good not to share.

Here I stand

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There is a story of a young, but earnest Zen student who approached his teacher, and asked the Master, “If I work very hard and diligently, how long will it take for me to find Zen? The Master thought about this, then replied, “Ten years …” The student then said, “But what if I work very, very hard and really apply myself to learn fast — How long then?” Replied the Master, “Well, twenty years.” “But, if I really, really work at it, how long then?” asked the student. “Thirty years,” replied the Master. “But, I do not understand,” said the disappointed student. “At each time that I say I will work harder, you say it will take me longer. Why do you say that?” Replied the Master, “When you have one eye on the goal, you only have one eye on the path.”

This is the dilemma I’ve faced within the American education system. We are so focused on a goal, whether it be passing a test, or graduating as first in the class. However, in this way, we do not really learn. We do whatever it takes to achieve our original objective.

Some of you may be thinking, “Well, if you pass a test, or become valedictorian, didn’t you learn something? Well, yes, you learned something, but not all that you could have. Perhaps, you only learned how to memorize names, places, and dates to later on forget in order to clear your mind for the next test. School is not all that it can be. Right now, it is a place for most people to determine that their goal is to get out as soon as possible.

I am now accomplishing that goal. I am graduating. I should look at this as a positive experience, especially being at the top of my class. However, in retrospect, I cannot say that I am any more intelligent than my peers. I can attest that I am only the best at doing what I am told and working the system. Yet, here I stand, and I am supposed to be proud that I have completed this period of indoctrination. I will leave in the fall to go on to the next phase expected of me, in order to receive a paper document that certifies that I am capable of work. But I contest that I am a human being, a thinker, an adventurer – not a worker. A worker is someone who is trapped within repetition – a slave of the system set up before him. But now, I have successfully shown that I was the best slave. I did what I was told to the extreme. While others sat in class and doodled to later become great artists, I sat in class to take notes and become a great test-taker. While others would come to class without their homework done because they were reading about an interest of theirs, I never missed an assignment. While others were creating music and writing lyrics, I decided to do extra credit, even though I never needed it. So, I wonder, why did I even want this position? Sure, I earned it, but what will come of it? When I leave educational institutionalism, will I be successful or forever lost? I have no clue about what I want to do with my life; I have no interests because I saw every subject of study as work, and I excelled at every subject just for the purpose of excelling, not learning. And quite frankly, now I’m scared.

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John Taylor Gatto, a retired school teacher and activist critical of compulsory schooling, asserts, “We could encourage the best qualities of youthfulness – curiosity, adventure, resilience, the capacity for surprising insight simply by being more flexible about time, texts, and tests, by introducing kids into truly competent adults, and by giving each student what autonomy he or she needs in order to take a risk every now and then. But we don’t do that.” Between these cinderblock walls, we are all expected to be the same. We are trained to ace every standardized test, and those who deviate and see light through a different lens are worthless to the scheme of public education, and therefore viewed with contempt.

H. L. Mencken wrote in The American Mercury for April 1924 that the aim of public education is not “to fill the young of the species with knowledge and awaken their intelligence. … Nothing could be further from the truth. The aim … is simply to reduce as many individuals as possible to the same safe level, to breed and train a standardized citizenry, to put down dissent and originality. That is its aim in the United States.”

To illustrate this idea, doesn’t it perturb you to learn about the idea of “critical thinking.” Is there really such a thing as “uncritically thinking?” To think is to process information in order to form an opinion. But if we are not critical when processing this information, are we really thinking? Or are we mindlessly accepting other opinions as truth?

This was happening to me, and if it wasn’t for the rare occurrence of an avant-garde tenth grade English teacher, Donna Bryan, who allowed me to open my mind and ask questions before accepting textbook doctrine, I would have been doomed. I am now enlightened, but my mind still feels disabled. I must retrain myself and constantly remember how insane this ostensibly sane place really is.

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And now here I am in a world guided by fear, a world suppressing the uniqueness that lies inside each of us, a world where we can either acquiesce to the inhuman nonsense of corporatism and materialism or insist on change. We are not enlivened by an educational system that clandestinely sets us up for jobs that could be automated, for work that need not be done, for enslavement without fervency for meaningful achievement. We have no choices in life when money is our motivational force. Our motivational force ought to be passion, but this is lost from the moment we step into a system that trains us, rather than inspires us.

We are more than robotic bookshelves, conditioned to blurt out facts we were taught in school. We are all very special, every human on this planet is so special, so aren’t we all deserving of something better, of using our minds for innovation, rather than memorization, for creativity, rather than futile activity, for rumination rather than stagnation? We are not here to get a degree, to then get a job, so we can consume industry-approved placation after placation. There is more, and more still.

The saddest part is that the majority of students don’t have the opportunity to reflect as I did. The majority of students are put through the same brainwashing techniques in order to create a complacent labor force working in the interests of large corporations and secretive government, and worst of all, they are completely unaware of it. I will never be able to turn back these 18 years. I can’t run away to another country with an education system meant to enlighten rather than condition. This part of my life is over, and I want to make sure that no other child will have his or her potential suppressed by powers meant to exploit and control. We are human beings. We are thinkers, dreamers, explorers, artists, writers, engineers. We are anything we want to be – but only if we have an educational system that supports us rather than holds us down. A tree can grow, but only if its roots are given a healthy foundation.

For those of you out there that must continue to sit in desks and yield to the authoritarian ideologies of instructors, do not be disheartened. You still have the opportunity to stand up, ask questions, be critical, and create your own perspective. Demand a setting that will provide you with intellectual capabilities that allow you to expand your mind instead of directing it. Demand that you be interested in class. Demand that the excuse, “You have to learn this for the test” is not good enough for you. Education is an excellent tool, if used properly, but focus more on learning rather than getting good grades.

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For those of you that work within the system that I am condemning, I do not mean to insult; I intend to motivate. You have the power to change the incompetencies of this system. I know that you did not become a teacher or administrator to see your students bored. You cannot accept the authority of the governing bodies that tell you what to teach, how to teach it, and that you will be punished if you do not comply. Our potential is at stake.

For those of you that are now leaving this establishment, I say, do not forget what went on in these classrooms. Do not abandon those that come after you. We are the new future and we are not going to let tradition stand. We will break down the walls of corruption to let a garden of knowledge grow throughout America. Once educated properly, we will have the power to do anything, and best of all, we will only use that power for good, for we will be cultivated and wise. We will not accept anything at face value. We will ask questions, and we will demand truth.

So, here I stand. I am not standing here as valedictorian by myself. I was molded by my environment, by all of my peers who are sitting here watching me. I couldn’t have accomplished this without all of you. It was all of you who truly made me the person I am today. It was all of you who were my competition, yet my backbone. In that way, we are all valedictorians.

I am now supposed to say farewell to this institution, those who maintain it, and those who stand with me and behind me, but I hope this farewell is more of a “see you later” when we are all working together to rear a pedagogic movement. But first, let’s go get those pieces of paper that tell us that we’re smart enough to do so!

Credit: D Sharon Pruitt

While we all know that breastfeeding benefits baby and mother, it also has advantages for the greater community. It reduces infant health care costs because breastfed babies have fewer illnesses and hospitalisations. Employers, too, gain as parents of breastfed babies don’t need to take as much time off work to care for their sick children.

Here are 50 superfoods recommended by nurses for pregnant, postpartum and breastfeeding mothers. Featured on the list are water, lean meats like chicken, fresh fruits and veggies, and, hey…dark chocolate!

It’s always wonderful to be able to share someone else’s experience and learn from them. In line with the World Breastfeeding Week (1-7 August) three families share their breastfeeding stories. The bottom line is that breastfeeding isn’t always easy but it’s the right thing to do and you will succeed if you are committed.

Fed up with having to sit still while pumping milk for her baby, a Canadian mum has designed a hands-free breast-pumping bra that not only allows mums to carry on with their lives while pumping breast milk, but is also fashionable. Called PumpEase, the bra sells through the company’s website as well as at 97 retailers in 11 countries.

Potty training is one of the most disconcerting topics for many parents. Yet it is one of the skills that, in time, the vast majority of kids master. So why so much drama? Richard Rende, developmental psychologist and research professor at Brown University, says that the best thing you can do is be open to all the philosophies and approaches. See which ones grab your fancy.

Another look at unschooling, that recalcitrant cousin of homeschooling which often ends up confusing the public at large about what it really is. Every aspect of life is a teachable moment. Education doesn’t have to occur conventionally. Set an example for life-long learning.

What curriculum? is a favourite discussion topic among homeschoolers. Unschoolers, however, prefer to dispense with all curricula and design their own, based on the interests of their children. Model rockets, horses, choral singing, algebra…everything’s possible!

Great news for homeschooling parents and parents of school-going kids everywhere! Here’s the story of one man who holed up in his room in Mountain View, California and video-taped 1,516 lessons—on topics ranging from simple addition to vector calculus and Napoleonic campaigns—that now constitute a virtual school for the world. All of Salman Khan’s videos are found on his Khan Academy website.

Remember that Mom’s song: “Get up now, Get up now, Get up out of Bed…” Here’s the Teen’s reply.

Copyright Christine Choong

Last week, we spoke to Christine Choong, founder of Mamalink and mother to three children, two boys and a girl. All her children are now grown, two are married and her daughter is expecting her first baby.

This week, Christine talks about breastfeeding and the lessons she learnt as a mother.

How can working moms cope with breastfeeding?

Most working moms breastfeed when they are with their babies and express milk when they are separated from them. This usually means expressing at least three times during work hours.

It is helpful to start a changeover program roughly two weeks prior to returning to work. Start with expressing once a day and gradually increase the number of pumping sessions every few days until mom is expressing the number of times that she will need to express while separated from her baby.

While mom is expressing, someone else can help by feeding the previously expressed milk to the baby. In this way both mom and baby can adapt to the new schedule before mom has to return to work.

Using a double electric pump enables mom to shorten the time required to express from both breasts and also provides better stimulation to the milk flow. It is important to continue with early morning breastfeeds, breastfeeds in the evening after returning from work and breastfeeds overnight.

Some babies actually change their feeding pattern, cutting down on daytime feeds and feeding more frequently in the evenings and overnight when mom is home. If this should occur, then mothers may consider co-sleeping, either with the baby in bed with her or with the baby in a co-sleeper right next to mom’s bed.

In this way, a mother can just roll over onto her side and bring baby closer in to feed. This minimises sleep disturbance, helps stimulate the milk supply and meets baby’s needs for close contact and security. Of course, when co-sleeping parents should ensure that they are meeting all safety issues.

Even before giving birth, mothers should check whether there are suitable places to express and store milk at work and also request time off during the mid-mornings and afternoons to express the milk.

It is also important to ensure that baby’s caregiver is willing to feed baby the breast milk. I can think of no good reason that babysitters would be willing to feed cow’s milk to a human baby but for some reason will not store human milk in the fridge.

Unfortunately, there are still instances where this is so.

Working moms should fully breastfeed on their days off from work. Expressing is never as good a stimulus to the milk supply as baby actually feeding at the breast. And working moms can, therefore, boost their milk supply by fully breastfeeding on their days off.

What are some of the issues that both mums and dads should be aware of in order to ensure that breastfeeding is a success?

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Firstly, choose a hospital and caregiver supportive of natural birthing and breastfeeding. There are still many in the health care professions who are not aware of the impact of labour ward practices on early breastfeeding.

The first few days after birth are crucial to the success of breastfeeding and it is imperative that parents are given the right support and advice at this time. An excellent book to read on this topic is Impact of Birthing Practices on Breastfeeding by Linda Smith.

Following a natural birth, both mom and baby are very alert and, under the right circumstances, most babies will breastfeed during the first hour after birth. Dad should ensure that baby is placed on mom’s chest at the time of birth and remains there until after the first breastfeed.

Many babies will just lie on mom’s chest for around 30 minutes after birth. This is not an indication that baby is not interested in feeding. A baby who is left skin-to-skin with mom will usually start to search for the breast after about 20-30 minutes. If baby has not been exposed to medications during birth and has not been taken away for measurements, etc, she will crawl to the breast and self-attach.

This is an amazing experience for parents and usually results in problem-free breastfeeding. As birthing rooms are usually cold, blankets should be placed over mom and baby to ensure baby does not lose heat.

Both parents should educate themselves on breastfeeding as much as possible before baby arrives. It is definitely proven that when dad is knowledgeable about and supportive of breastfeeding, moms and babies succeed in breastfeeding.

Parents should try to spend time with other breastfeeding families, not just for support but also to pick up tips from more experienced parents. Try to avoid people who tell negative birthing or breastfeeding stories. If possible join a breastfeeding support network.

Early breast milk is called colostrum. It provides babies with many antibodies, coats the lining of the intestines which helps prevent allergies, and stimulates bowel movements which helps reduce jaundice.

Colostrum comes in very small quantities. It is meant to be so—baby learns to suckle on a soft breast and the digestive tract needs only deal with small quantities at first.

If baby falls asleep on the breast and cries when placed in a bassinette, it is very likely due to separation and not hunger. Babies are meant to be held close to their mothers—we are a carrying species, not a nesting species. A child can never be spoilt by being held close to mom—in fact the opposite is true. The more a young baby is held, the more secure he will be.

Breastfeeds are initially frequent and very irregular, both in terms of length and the frequency of feeding. Breast milk is produced on demand, i.e. the more frequently baby feeds, the more milk mom will produce.

Copyright Photos8.com

Night feeds are crucial to the milk supply, particularly in the early weeks. Avoid any helpers who suggest that mom should sleep through the night while they care for the baby. New moms should sleep when baby sleeps whether night or daytime and breastfeed when baby needs to feed.

Breastfeeding should not be excessively painful—if it is, seek expert help. Nipples should not look squashed or misshapen after a feed.

You do not need to pump to see how much baby is taking. A baby will almost always milk the breast more effectively than any breast pump and, therefore, assessing milk supply on the amount expressed can be very misleading

In order to judge whether baby is taking sufficient milk look at the output i.e. wet and soiled diapers and also monitor baby’s weight gain.

Breast milk supply normally becomes well established after about six weeks, and the breasts may feel softer then.

The World Health Organisation (WHO) recommends that babies should be exclusively breastfed for six months and then, with the addition of solids, continued to be breastfed for another two years or until they wean themselves.

What were some of the most important lessons you learnt as a new mum?

Sometimes we are slow to learn! I wish I had known as much then when my children were babies, as I know now.

Don’t expect to do much in the first six weeks other than care for the children, eat and sleep—I was packing to move house with both my first and second children and it was difficult to give as much time to them as I would have liked.

Older children need special time with mom when siblings arrive—even if it is only half an hour a day of one-on-one time.

All children are different right from day one. Don’t expect them to fit the same mould and celebrate their differences.

Copyright Christine Choong

Be willing to give as much time as you can to your children—the more time you invest, the closer your relationship.

Stay-at-home moms need to meet up with other moms. I remember being fairly new to Malaysia and feeling incredibly jealous that my husband had lunch breaks and the opportunity to converse with other adults!

Talk to your children and, more importantly, listen to them.

Eat together as a family as often as possible. This sounds old fashioned but it is a great way to spend family time, especially if everyone is busy.

Our Interview series focuses on parents, teachers, role models and children with interesting tales to tell, lives to share and inspiration to give. If you have a suggestion for someone you’d like to see interviewed (including yourself, ahem!), drop us a note at parentingworks AT gmail DOT com to tell us why the person should be featured.

Copyright Christine Choong

When Christine Choong delivered her first two babies about 30 years ago, she was confined to hospital beds, each time with drips to induce and accelerate labour. The drips, she recalls, were very painful.

With her third baby, she went through most of the labour at home, which enabled her to remain upright, comfortable and relaxed. When she was admitted to hospital later, it was back onto a bed and more pain.

These very different labour experiences prompted Christine, a nurse and midwife, to set up Mamalink in Kuala Lumpur, which provides education and assistance to parents going through pregnancy, birth, early parenting and breastfeeding. Christine holds a graduate diploma in Childbirth Education and is an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant. She also teaches hypnobirthing and infant massage.

In this first of a two-part series, Christine talks about the advantages of birthing without intervention and why it is important to ensure that your doctor and hospital are on the same page with regard to your birthing plans.

What was the general feeling towards breastfeeding and natural birthing in the early 90s when you set up Mamalink? How has that changed today?

Labour ward practices tended to be fairly interventionist in the early 90s with quite a high incidence of managed labours. IVI syntocinon was commonly used to either induce or accelerate labour and most first time mothers were given episiotomies.

Women were expected to labour lying in bed, which happens to be the most painful position to be in during labour. Most babies were taken to the nursery after mom had seen and identified their sex. They were brought back to mom only after she was settled in the post-natal ward.

It was also common practice to give a pre-lacteal glucose feed to all babies before they were breastfed. Many babies were kept in the nursery overnight and given bottle feeds of formula milk.

My husband is an obstetrician and we had hoped that before we retired there would be a change in birthing practices, which would enable more women to experience a really natural birth. Well, nearly 20 years on there is actually little change.

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While women do have more freedom of choice to utilise self-help techniques, such as assuming comfortable positions, massage, relaxed breathing, use of heat and so on, it is only those who are aware of these options and who choose a doctor or hospital that are open to these preferences, who are able to take advantage of them.

Many women still spend their entire labour lying on the bed, often with continuous electronic monitoring restricting their movement. Induction rates are still high and caesarean rates are rising.

Change will occur only when women themselves request for it. For example, we had been trying for many years to introduce the use of immersion in water as a comfort measure in labour but with no success. Finally, after a group of mothers started to campaign a hospital in KL and wrote in over a hundred letters, the hospital agreed.

The approach to breastfeeding has changed significantly with the introduction in Malaysia in 1993 of the Baby-friendly Hospital Initiative. All the government hospitals and a few of the private ones have now been certified Baby-friendly but it is imperative that they maintain as well as improve their standards to continue the momentum towards breastfeeding.

Under Baby-friendly guidelines, all healthy babies should remain with their mothers for at least 30 minutes after birth and mothers should be encouraged to breastfeed. Babies should room-in with their mothers 24 hours a day and, unless medically indicated, should receive nothing but breast milk. If there is medical indication to supplement, then the milk should be given by cup and not by bottle.

While much of this is currently being practiced by the hospitals, some private hospitals certified as baby-friendly continue to take babies from their mothers for weighing and measuring before the first breastfeed. Many babies are also taken into the ward nursery for checking, bathing and phototherapy, if jaundiced.

Parents need to know that they have the right to keep a healthy newborn with them at all times and that, in fact, all hospitals certified Baby-friendly should not have nurseries in their postnatal wards.

Why is the act of birthing such an important one for both mother and baby?

A natural birth is very empowering for the parents, especially the mother. Any intervention or drugs used in labour impact the baby and, in many instances, affect early efforts to breastfeed and bond.

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Studies have shown that when babies are born, they are naturally very alert, very calm and they are able to breastfeed effectively. Most babies will lie on mom’s chest for about 30 minutes before starting to search for the nipple, crawling to the breast and attaching without assistance.

Few parents and babies are given the opportunity to do this; often, due to concerns that babies will lose heat. In fact mom’s body is the warmest place to be on and blankets placed over mom and baby keep both warm and cosy.

Following a drug free birth, mothers have very high endorphin levels and both mom and baby have high adrenaline levels making them alert and very responsive to each other.

Of course, there are instances where intervention may be necessary and in such cases, the main concern is that both mom and baby are healthy. Whenever possible mom and baby should be kept together without interruption, including after a caesarean birth if mom is using regional anaesthetic.

What can expectant parents do to ensure that their birth experience is a good one?

Firstly, they need to ensure that they choose a caregiver and place of birth where they will be given options to help them birth as naturally as possible.

Many parents choose their caregiver long before they actually think about the kind of birthing experience they are hoping for, or even before they have acquired knowledge of the benefits to mom and baby of a non-interventionist and drug free birth.

There is so much information on the internet nowadays, enabling parents to research all aspects of birth. It is also helpful to attend small group, independent pre-natal classes.

Most hospital classes consist of a series of lectures given by various members of the medical and nursing staff who provide the information that the hospital wants parents to know. These classes are useful for meeting other parents, visiting the labour wards and becoming familiar with the hospital staff.

However, there is rarely the opportunity to practice self-help techniques or for open discussion. Independent classes are able to furnish parents with evidence-based information on birthing, which does not always match caregivers’ preferred practices.

Copyright Christine Choong

Armed with information, parents should then discuss their birth preferences with their caregivers to ensure that they are in agreement. If parents are not happy with the responses they are given or if they are told that it is too soon to discuss these issues they should think seriously about changing their caregiver.

It is never too soon to discuss these issues and, if left too late, it will be harder to change caregiver/hospital. Once parents and caregiver have agreed on the preferences for birth, parents should write a birth plan detailing all that has been agreed and ask the doctor to sign a copy, which will be given to the midwife when they are admitted in labour.

This ensures that the midwife is aware of what the doctor has agreed to and should support the parents with their choices It is useful to ask the labour ward staff to encourage self-help techniques rather than offer pain medication. It is also helpful to ask the doctor to back up the decision not to remove baby from mom’s chest until after the first breast feed.

The key to natural birthing is the ability to relax. It is helpful to practice slow breathing and deep relaxation throughout pregnancy. During delivery, avoid bright lights in the birthing room, play the mother’s choice of music, adjust the temperature and minimise interruptions—these will assist a mother to relax and tune in to her birthing body.

Christine talks about breastfeeding in Part Two of this interview next week!

Our Interview series focuses on parents, teachers, role models and children with interesting tales to tell, lives to share and inspiration to give. If you have a suggestion for someone you’d like to see interviewed (including yourself, ahem!), drop us a note at parentingworks AT gmail DOT com to tell us why the person should be featured.

ABC News’ Nightline earlier this month profiled an unschooling family from New Hampshire. The Martins (who appear in our blogroll as The Sparkling Martins) threw open their doors and showed the world how they unschool. While watching the video, however, I could not help but feel that the network seemed to have their own agenda and may have skewed the article and video so that they cast doubt and suspicion on the practice of unschooling. And then I came across Dayna Martin’s post Nightline Truth, which gives us the inside story about what happened during the production of the video.

In April, ABC News also profiled another unschooling family, the Bieglers. Viewer response to that show was so great that the network invited Phil Biegler and Christine Yablonski to their studio the next day to field questions on unschooling. Pat Farenga, the president of Holt Associates, also appears on the video. The Bieglers did a wonderful job explaining what they do to a skeptical audience. As Dayna says in her blog: “It’s all Baby Steps…I feel the progress.”

How do we view children? Do we often think of them as ‘cute’? John Holt has a piece on why we should try to get out of the habit of seeing little children as cute. He says that we should try to be more aware of what it is in children to which we respond and to tell which responses are authentic, respectful, and life-enhancing, and which are condescending or sentimental.

Homeschoolers are probably already familiar with this tongue-in-cheek comparison of public school and homeschool.

Author Laura Brodie decided to homeschool her daughter, Julia, for a year when she was in fifth grade because she struggled in school and came home desolate. Julia is described as a dreamy child with a unique learning style who grew increasingly unhappy with the relentless test prep, drills and worksheets. Brodie writes about her experience in her latest book Love in A Time of Homeschooling.

Copyright Photos8.com

In a new study, researchers have found that breast milk kick-starts the immune systems of breast-fed babies, making them more resistant to infections than their bottle-fed counterparts. The study discovered that the milk activates the body’s natural defences in a way that formula cannot. Breast milk triggers a reaction in the gut which helps to defeat infection.

Every child is an individual and each child is different in her learning style. This article tells us more about learning styles—about how people learn and process information. There are lot of links to other resources and reading materials and also a learning style assessment.

And finally, here’s a video that has some excellent descriptions of attachment parenting.

That way—just as with electronic gadgets—we need not worry about whether or not we are doing the right thing for our babies, especially when faced with dissenting voices.

Here are four books that come close to being manuals for bringing up baby and child.

Breastfeeding: Just Do It!

The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding

This book  helped me through the long, difficult, early days of breastfeeding my first baby. As a new and inexperienced mother, this book was my sole resource, my main supporter and my biggest encouragement (husband aside, of course). By the way, thanks so much, Soo See, for the gift. It was a huge help and I was thrilled to have received it.

The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding was first written 46 years ago with warmth, courage and conviction by seven gutsy ladies, all fully committed to the breastfeeding ideal. They went on to found the La Leche League (”la lay chay” means “the milk” in Spanish), now a worldwide organisation that helps women to successfully breastfeed their babies.

Six revised editions later, this book is still packed with relevant information that covers the various aspects of mothering; including the early months, going back to work, dealing with common problems, fathering, weaning, nutrition, discipline, special circumstances like multiple births, content of breast milk and so on.

It is very much a “can do and don’t believe otherwise” type of book and serves to inspire as well as to educate.

Keep your child's emotional tank full.

How to Really Love your Child

Although Dr Ross Campbell writes from a Christian perspective, there are genuine gems of parenting wisdom in How to Really Love Your Child that are completely universal and spot on.

This book is a must read for all parents who have ever had problems with their children.

All children are constantly asking the question, “Do you love me?” of their parents in their behaviour and everything they do. While the answer is almost always a resounding YES, many parents are unable to communicate this to their children in a way that the children get the message.

Dr Campbell outlines three vital ways that parents can convey unconditional love to their children: eye contact, appropriate physical contact and focused attention; and therefore keep their emotional tanks full.

The fuller his emotional tank, the more positive is the child’s feelings and the better his behaviour. Only when his emotional tank is full can a child respond positively to discipline and handle anger appropriately.

Kids need their feelings validated.

Siblings Without Rivalry

If you have more than one child, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish’s Siblings Without Rivalry will help you deal with those aggravating ‘sibling’ situations. And if you don’t, read it anyway, because it may help you make a breakthrough in your relationships with your own siblings.

Faber and Mazlish, each the parent of three children, elaborate here the principles they learned from the late child psychologist, Dr Haim Ginott, when they were part of his parent guidance group.

The central theme of the book is that children be allowed to express their feelings, especially the negative ones about their brothers and sisters, and that parents listen to and validate these feelings.

Many an explosive situation can be defused by a parent acknowledging a child’s feelings and reflecting them back to him. When children feel that they are understood, the need to be bratty disappears.

Siblings without Rivalry is easy to read and brings parents through many common everyday situations in a practical and sensible step-by-step manner.

We learn every waking hour.

Learning All The Time

Children learn better if adults do not interfere in the process, declares John Holt.

Holt was a former schoolteacher and education reformist who decided eventually that schools could not be reformed, and instead, channeled his energies towards looking at how children could best learn outside the structures of formal schooling.

In Learning All The Time, Holt’s tenth and final book, put together after his death in 1985 from drafts and articles that he had written, he explains that in trying to make sense of their world, children are driven to learn all they can about it.

Learning is a process that is as natural as breathing. Children pick up bits and pieces of information from all around them, not necessarily in sequence, and fit them together for knowledge when the time is right.

Just like research scientists, they are adept at observing, postulating and testing their theories. And by figuring things out on their own, children gain confidence in their ability to think. Learning is not, and should not be, an act of volition for children.

Holt’s genuine love and respect for children endow his observations with power. His books are essential reading for parents striving to help their children reach their full potential in a complex world.

Copyright Eileen Lian

For homeschoolers in Malaysia, a big question is which route to take to get a place in college or university. David Tan speaks with the CEO of Life College in Malaysia and explains the different options available to homeschoolers here. David also looks at the way homeschooling has gained in popularity and shares with readers his own experience.

This article gives a few suggestions for reversing the educational decline. Among them: remember that reading is half of everything and the next most important goal is arithmetic; knowledge is king; talk to homeschooling parents to find out what they are doing.

When a US lifestyle magazine issued an online decree that breastfeeding mothers at top restaurants should feed their babies in the toilet, hundreds of irate mums in New Zealand pounced on the article. Most of these mothers thought the writer should go and have her lunch in the toilet. It is every mother’s right to breastfeed in public in New Zealand.

We should accept breastfeeding in any area, public or private, and those who still aren’t satisfied by discreet feedings can simply look the other way. More here on the issue of public breastfeeding. And a breastfeeding mum in Tampa, Florida has a run-in with the county school board over breastfeeding her two year-old in the office of an elementary school.

Exercise is one of the best ways to ease pregnancy discomfort, according to medical experts, fitness trainers and fit mamas. So get off that couch and hit the gym!

What is a parent’s ‘proper’ role? Listen, Listen, Listen! Listening leads to talking, which leads to relationship. When we have a relationship with someone, that is the only time we can influence their decisions.

The first step to becoming a better parent is to let go of our fear of damaging our children. We need far less advice. We have too much advice. Our kids will probably be fine.

It’s never too early to inculcate a love for reading in your child. This is an ad but, hey, it’s good.

Wood chips don't taste good!

When it comes to learning life lessons, nothing beats personal experience.

Sometimes it is not enough to tell a child not to do something. Elaborate explanations don’t work and there are times when the wealth of our experience does not mean much to them.

Sometimes, children just need to experience it for themselves. Here are eight “hard” lessons my children remember.

1.)    Do not put wood chips into your mouth. They do not taste good.

2.)    Do not stop at the fridge to get a sip of soda water when you really need to pee. Better to be dry and thirsty than wet and not thirsty.

3.)    As you lean forward over the armrest of a sofa, your centre of gravity shifts in such a way that at a certain predetermined point you will topple over, hit your nose on the floor and bawl your eyes out.

4.)    Do not sneak food into your room. Cockroaches and rats love crumbs.

5.)    If you hit your sibling, there are usually unpleasant repercussions.

6.)    Do not take lightly your parents’ counsel to look after your RM400 1 Gb PSP memory card. With such carefully considered forewarnings, if you actually lose it, you will have to swallow your bravado and live without the extra memory.

Remind me to stay off the fizzy drink.

7.)    Too much of a good thing can make you feel sick—bleargh!—especially if it’s lots of cookies or chocolate washed down with coca-cola.

8.)    If you do not really like Transformer toys, do not buy one just because your sibling has decided to buy one. Your money can always be better spent on something else.

CC 3.0 http://www.flickr.com/photos/kodomut/4301049154/in/photostream/

“You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.”  It’s much the same way with babies and toddlers when it comes to sleeping through the night and going to the toilet. You just can’t force them.

Still, there is no shortage of expert advice on the how-tos and the whens of toileting and nighttime sleeping because exasperated parents will try anything that they think might work.

It can be confusing for parents, especially the first-timers, with so many different voices out there, giving advice that run the gamut from the “be gentle, wait till the child is ready” style of training to the “start them young and don’t let up” variety.

Sleeping through the night and going to the toilet are both developmental milestones that, if pushed through too early or in too rigid a manner can lead to all sorts of personality disorders that may hinder one’s journey through life.

From Sigmund Freud’s psychosexual stages of development we learn that conflicts related to toilet training during the anal stage of development (around ages two-three) can result in a person developing an anal personality.

Anal aggressive personality types are sloppy, defiant, disorganised, reckless and careless; while anal retentives are obsessively clean and orderly and tend to be intolerant of those who aren’t, and may also be stingy, withholding, obstinate, meticulous, conforming and passive-aggressive.

The key to successful toilet training is to delay the process until the child is ready. Penelope Leach, well-known developmental child psychologist and author of Your Baby and Child: From Birth to Age Five says: “An early start means that the learning process takes longer; if you start later he will learn faster and reach the same point at the same time.”

William Sears, author of over 30 books on childcare, renowned pediatrician and the father of eight children summarises it succinctly: “You have not failed parenting 101 if your baby is the last on the block to be dry.”

He explains that parents should watch their baby, not the calendar, looking out for signs—like being able to stay dry for about three hours, having the ability to pull his clothes off, or the ability to verbally communicate bodily sensations like hunger—that say their baby is ready for toilet training.

CC 3.0 http://www.flickr.com/photos/tomeppy/249775760/

When it comes to sleep, Dr Sears, who is a strong advocate of attachment parenting—a holistic style of parenting that emphasises parent-child bonding, suggests co-sleeping to help children develop healthy sleeping patterns.

Dr Sears stresses that at the start of life there is a good reason for babies to wake often. “I strongly feel that the infant’s sleep pattern is “infantile” so that the infant can more easily communicate his or her survival needs.”

Richard Ferber, director of the Center for Pediatric Sleep Disorders at Children’s Hospital in Boston and author of the book Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems teaches parents to use a progressive approach to sleep training.

His method, which has come to be known as “Ferberisation”, calls for putting the child to bed awake, after a bedtime ritual like reading or singing. Parents then leave the room. If the child cries, wait a certain amount of time before going in. Soothe the child with your voice but don’t pick her up, feed or rock her. Gradually increase the time interval between checks.

Babies should be ready for sleep training by the time they are about 6 months and should be sleeping through the night after about a week of training, according to Ferber.

Sleep training may be too hard for some parents because they are discouraged from physically comforting a crying child, but there are those who rave about the results.

On the extreme harsh end of the spectrum is Gary Ezzo, a pastor who advocates that sleep training start from birth and toilet training begin in the 18-24 month time frame.

Ezzo urges moms to put their emotions aside and promises that by eight weeks of age nighttime feeds can be cut out completely. He says parents should expect children to be toilet-trained and accident free by 2+, otherwise the child should be made to clean up the mess, soiled clothes included.

Ezzo has been lambasted from all sides, including the Christian community to which he belongs, peadiatricians, health-care providers and child development experts, all of who fear that ‘Ezzo babies’ will suffer psychological damage, dehydration, poor weight gain and failure to thrive.

Yet Ezzo’s book On Becoming Baby Wise has become a best seller and is reportedly used by parents in over 93 countries and in 17 languages.

CC 3.0 http://www.flickr.com/photos/iandeth/3156439046/

Increasingly, however, parents are beginning to listen with their hearts and not with their heads. They are learning to understand and be responsive to their baby’s cries.

They are learning that the best way is what’s best for their baby and not always what the experts have recommended.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/christines/ / CC BY 2.0

In my experience, people have generally been very supportive of breastfeeding in public here in Malaysia. Still we’ve heard stories from different parts of the world of mums being harassed when breastfeeding their babies in public places. Here is a collection of notes about attitudes towards public breastfeeding in different countries around the world. And a round-up of breastfeeding laws in the US.

And good news for working mums. Thanks to a new health care bill that President Obama signed recently, employers in the US are required to provide “a place, other than a bathroom, that is shielded from view and free from intrusion from co-workers and the public, which may be used by an employee to express breast milk”. Only companies with less than 50 employees can claim it’s an undue hardship.

As a mother who is tuned in to her baby’s or child’s needs, and seeks to meet those needs in a prompt and loving manner, it is easy to put yourself last. Here are 10 ways to recharge and once again be the calm, relaxed, and healthy mummy that your children need.

Last Sunday was Mother’s Day for us in Malaysia and many other countries around the world. Two 15-year-olds write about the history of Mother’s Day. Separately, I was interviewed by The Star newspaper in Malaysia for its Mother’s Day spread but the story ended up very much skewed toward homeschooling.

Babies apparently know the difference between good and evil as early as six months. A new study by Yale researchers turns on its head the common belief that human beings are born as ‘blank slates’ and that our morality is shaped by our parents and experiences. They suggest that the difference between good and bad may be hardwired into the brain at birth.

Being a good parent starts with us—the parents! A mother and family therapist talks about her own healing as a parent and how important that was to her adopted son. “By working on making sense of my own early experiences, I was better equipped to help my son make sense of his experiences,” she says.

A father talks candidly about how different parenting styles severed their friendship with another couple. “Parenting methods can lead to determining who you’re most compatible with as a parent,” he says.

Ponijao, Mari, Hattie and Bayar are the four stars of Babies, a movie directed by Thomas Balmes, which follows the four babies from birth until their first birthday. The gorgeous babies are from Namibia, Mongolia, Japan, and the US , and we are shown four very different parenting experiences.